Just Bummed Out

I spend a lot of my time just doing and doing and doing, and there always seems to be so much stuff to do. And does it really mean anything? I mean like does it really increase the quality of my life? Does it really need to be done?

What kind of stuff am I talking about? Anything and everything. I know every one knows what I mean. Why is there always all this stuff that needs to be done? And who dictates what needs to be done?

I know, I know, this seems like one of those thoughts that I should not think about, because it will distract me from doing “The stuff”. And why should anyone else think about why they do stuff or why would anyone care about the stuff that I do? Breaking it down a little bit more. The stuff, I wonder about doing all the time is not necessarily in physical nature, like cleaning house, doing dishes or laundry, going to the gym or walking, or even playing video games, writing blogs, scrolling social media, reading, etc. you get the point. It could also be in a mental nature of thought. What I mean by this is always thinking about what and how to improve the quality of my life, and that of others. You see, whenever I have a thought, or even a break thru in a thought process that I have been working on, I immediately want to go and tell others. I get all excited and think, this is it!! Every body needs to know this!! This is amazing!! And it usually is….for myself. (Trust me, my wife gets the first blast of my A-HA moments all the time) OK, maybe a little bit of back history.

I am working on my own self development and growth. More specifically, becoming more spiritual, more mindful and aware of ME. The nature of my thoughts and emotions, the why’s and how’s. The desires that I have, the longing to do and why I have them. Where did they come from? And I have discovered that the more I learn, the more there is to learn and to experience. Now, even this discovering about myself, seems to be just more “stuff” that I have added to my life that is already full of stuff to do. I mean like there is so much stuff that “needs” and can be done, how can I do nothing? But…now I think I am just starting to ramble. Getting back to the doing of stuff.

I have discovered for myself that I am a doer. I do stuff, mainly physical stuff. I clean, fix and repair. There never seems to be any end of that. I do stuff because my mind is constantly going, thinking of stuff to do, trying to keep me moving. I now believe that my mind intentionally has been doing this for/to me for the past many years as a form of distraction from an urge that I have deep inside. A desire to explore and to discover more experiences that are available to me in this life. Why is my mind doing this? Well really it is my emotions/EGO. I do things that make me feel satisfied, accomplished, accepted and or respected, from myself and from others. It makes me feel good and happy. I could go into a lot more detail about the events of my past that I believe started this aspect of “doing stuff” as a distraction, but I will not. I will just say that I know that many of us, humans, do the same thing. Fill our days with doing stuff as a form of distraction from really getting to know who we are, authentically and spiritually. Why would we do this? There are many reasons, I believe one of the main reasons is fear. We are afraid of really knowing why we have certain thoughts and feelings. We are afraid of others finding out about our true self, our differences. We want to be accepted and included, and we fear being rejected and isolated. Even when we ourselves, intentionally separate and live a hermitic life, that being of isolation is on purpose and is not forced upon us by others. This gives us the delusion that this is better than having others judge us and force us into isolation.

OK, enough of the dark and depressing, sorry. Getting back to the “doing stuff”. There always are times that I sit down and think, “Why am I doing that which I am doing, right now, at this moment?” For me that is doing these blogs, reading philosophical materials, meditating, being introspective, practicing mindfulness, working on my Life Coaching knowledge and techniques. This is being part of the new me. The answer I come up with is this, “I know there is more to life than what I am experiencing at this moment, and what I have experienced in the past. I know that if I continue on the same way as I have in the past, the experiences that I gain will not really be new, just a different shade. I desire new experiences, knowledge and wisdom.”

Intuitively, I have had this thought for a long time now. Knowing that there is so much more for me to experience and know. Sensing that it is all within my grasp, and yet never to be found, unless I search. Realizing, now, that all I have been doing for most of my life is the stuff that keeps me “being a part” of the normal, of society. Being afraid of being different. Doing that which is expected of me. I am traveling the same road, possibly the same trench, as many other people. Though now, I feel a real sense of inspiration from within me as I am starting to explore and discover new possibilities of myself, my life and my purpose. I am now recognizing, consciously, that for a very long time, I have been just bummed out.

There is a new feeling now, inspired.