Many of my thoughts about my life, how i am and how things are going, i realize, can be and mostly are negative and low energy. I find myself in a loop like mind set where nothing is going my way and i have to do something to change it. Then nothing changes, or i don’t do anything to change it, and the same thoughts come into my mind.
I do have one thought that re-occurs over and over within my head. If there is a change needed, i have to create the change. I can not wait for something or someone else. Nobody is going to create the change that i need for me, we are all here on our own, to do for ourselves what we need to do, and no one else can do that for me. And then i get overwhelmed and fall back into my reverie of “what if” thoughts, to pass the time and continue droning on.
Mostly i think about how much i need something to change in my life to give me a chance to proove to myself and everybody else, what i can do and be. Why do i need to proove anything?
To anyone? This is one area that i have had an inner struggle with over the many years that i have realized that this is why i do what i do. I try to do my best, to get the best results, so that i get praise of what i do. It makes me feel accepted, respected and accomplished. When i don’t get the praise that i thought i should have, i think i need to do better, and that can also turn into resentment towards those that i thought should acknowledge my accomplishments. This was my life before. I was a zombie amongst other zombies, survivng day to day. And now, even after this awareness, i still do it! I still feel a need for acceptance and respect, and it makes me feel like i am actually betraying my own authenticity. Why? Because i have finally started to learn how to love myself, finally, consciously after all these years. To respect myself and to accept myself. But when fall back into my old habits of just survivng and doing for the expectations of others, i forget about myself.
This is when my life starts the downward spiral of nothing going my way, resentment, low energy, stress and anxiety. Nothing will ever change, nobody cares, there is no way out.
So negative.
I do know one way out, and i have been on that track before. A higher, positive level of thought vibration where there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It is when i am myself. Live for myself, learn and understand about myself. Love and accept myself. Then all the abundance and wealth of life and existence become apparent and within my grasp. There is one little catch, I have to work on it every day, consciously. There are no breaks, no breathers, this isnt like a diet or exercise routine where you have cheat days and rest days. I have to consistently work on my higher vibration, to integrate it into this life, to merge new thought into old thought, to create new for myself. For if i do take a rest or a break, sometimes even for just a day, it can take weeks or months, to again achieve a higher level of positive vibration and thoughts.
This is when the change occurs, within and without.