There are many past blogs and journey entries that i have made that toucheed on the subject of being frustrated with this life. To clarify this even more within my own head, It is not just with life that i am frustrated with, but with myself. Self frustration. The frustration that i am not doing what i think or feel i should be doing, frustration with myself for not being able to do what i want to or need to do do with my life.
I make excuses why i do not do things, and this, the next day, make me just shake my head in frustration. There are many different terms and ways to describe why i am the way i am, the most negative way would be laziness. I am frustrated with myself for my own laziness. Another way to put it would be to say that i don’t have any free will, that something else is actually controlling me. This is not true. Sure, I mean, time has a lot to do with it. I don’t have time to do what i really want, so lets use that as an excuse. Here is my own reality.
I am frustrated with my life and myself, because i do not feel that i am living to my full potential. Also, i work on ways to helpother people hopefully expand theirselves and spend alot of time developing routines and systems for other to enhance theirselve, but in the end, i feel like a fake. I do a lot ofresearch for my own growth and conscious expansion, and i put that into practice to help others, to guide and train others to enhance their selves, yet i do not put into practice for myself, because i am to busy focus on my external environment and forgeting about my own inner essence. I have to find the balance.
One of my main areas that i have realized that i have to really be mindfull and aware of is my own self indulgence of feel good snacking and poor me thinking. The two go hand in hand. As of late, i have realized that i am really frustrated in my self for my low energy thinking and feeling. Life does not seem to be going my way, let me continually think of all the negative and stress about it all the time. This lowers my energy and makes it nearly impossible for me to stay positive to be able to make the changes that i want to and need to make for myself. If i can not do it, how am i supposed to guide and train other’s to be a better version of themselves also?
My goals in life are to become a better me each and every day, strive for my own excellence, to explore and experience all that life has to offer and to guide others to do same also. But, if i can not do it for myself, i can not honestly and authentically do it for any one else. I used to have a little more will power, i used to have a routine, more energy, more drive, perserverance to push through the tough times and to stick to my plan and goals. What has changed?
The change came, when i started to think about my goals and my plan how to do them as not fun, as to strict, a hinderance on my life. And yet, now, i feel like i am even more a prisoner and under the control of something that i can not control outside of myself, but within my own head. Thinking back when i had started to do my life enhancement journey, on the physical, then the mental, and then the spiritual, i felt full of energy and life. I was focused and really loving how i felt and how energized with life i was. What was this change that happenned? My life shifted slightly and i did not stay as focused as i was and did not see the subtle shift that was taking place within me. I started hanging out more with “the boys” from work. I ended up working away from home and getting out of my normal routine and did not take into account my own need for acceptance with my peers. Even at my age at, i still need to feel that acceptance. So while i still tried staying on a mindfully aware and healthy life style, there was a shift happening within me, that made it harder to be fully conscious of my need for external acceptance and the loss of my will power.
There is a way to for me to get back on track, it will take time and focus. The first step, to be able to be conscious of who i really am and whoi want to be, and to strive for that. That is my excellence.