Just Bummed out, Still.

My first article, Just Bummed out, Talks about how I “Do stuff” just to distract myself from doing “The stuff” that I need to do, for myself. I know! Sounds confusing. I mean, like why would I do stuff just to distract myself from doing stuff? I have tried, and believe, that in my first article, I did come close to coming up with a sensible and reasonable explanation. At that time, moment in my thoughts.

I look back on that post and I can understand where my mind was at, at that time, maybe because I was really there, or possibly because the remnants of those thoughts still linger in my memories. Mainly, I know it to be the fact that I am still Being Bummed Out. I continually work on myself, understanding and knowing myself. It is never-ending. There are times that I go back, days, weeks, months and years, only to discover that I am still pondering idea’s, struggling with the understanding and acceptance of myself. It is at these times that I really feel “Bummed Out”. What have I been doing with my time? Has it all been just a waste? Why have I not grown and improved in my self development? Why do I still have the same problems, thoughts, emotions, Fears and esteem issues?

I realize that I have grown, but not at the pace that I am “Humanly” wanting and hoping. First off, Me, I, always kinda want things now. If I work hard at it I should get it. I go to work everyday, and every so often I get a paycheck to solidify my reason of the work. Because of the work I put in, I get the paycheck, which supplies the money to buy something I want/need. I plant a garden, and eventually plants grow and bear fruit, etc. I could go on for ever, you get the point. The actual reality of my self growth and development, is not for the immediate and instant change into knowing and understanding all about myself and my existence. It is more about the experience that I create for myself, to know myself beyond the physical aspects of the reality that I have created for me. These experiences are what show me the purpose of what I do, that gives it meaning for why I do that which I do. But…..Wait!!! There is more.

Have you ever heard of a Zombie? Ya, the flesh eating monsters that are on TV? No. The Zombie’s that we can be ourselves, everyday. The Zombies that we work with, hangout with and pass on the street everyday. To put it simply, (Google Philosophical zombie), A person that just goes through the motions each and everyday to survive. To make it to the next day, to continue on the easiest path, even though it seems to be full of obstacles. There is much that I do everyday and when I really think about the meanings and purpose behind any of my thoughts and actions, I can justify them all in one form or another, on a physical and mental level of thought. But still, there is sense, and a feeling, a knowing that there is something more. An urge, a desire to do and to be, with purpose and meaning. A knowing that it is different than the association with human society, and the interactions of the physical and mental that allows us to contribute and to be a part of humanity. This knowing is a memory stored deep in my mind, but yet, not a memory of the mind, but of my consciousness.

One does not exist without consciousness.

The purpose(s) of my physical life(s) is to discover my meaning of life and being here. The experiences gained on this journey reveal new sections of my path of life, ultimately leading me closer to the meaning of my life. This, I know, will not be the end of my journey. The meaning of my life(s) are a purpose, that will reveal new sections of my path of existence.

Just Bummed out?

All the purposes that I have, each and every day, all the “Just doing stuff” is a way that I unconsciously and consciously distract myself, from the “Just Bummed outness” of knowing that I have a meaning, knowing that I have the answer(s), and not knowing what they are. It’s like seeing shadows, but not being able to ever see the real object causing them.

I spent years not knowing what this feeling or sense was, it was not real. It did not fit into the reality of life, my life, at the time. The reality of my life at that time was just trying to figure myself out. I was in my late teens and very receptive to experiences that made me feel accepted and worth something. Empirically, I was trying to get this sense of belonging from many different social groups that were a part of my life, ie: different peer groups at school, Parents, Adult relatives, Adult friends, etc. Well, let’s just say, it was all very confusing, because what one group did was frowned upon by another, or not understood by another, and that group is wrong, that one is boring, that one has to many rules, etc. Still to this day, there is a tug-a-war in my mind about right and wrong, do this and not that. I am still BUMMED OUT!

Now, I know what this feeling is deep inside, this sense that there is so much more than what I am seeing and doing. It is not about being and doing more, it is about knowing and believing that there is more. Being aware, of my belief, that there is more to my existence than my physical life I am living rite now. I have to live this life, for it is how I gain more experiences. The more experiences I gain the more knowledge and wisdom I accumulate within my consciousness. My consciousness, is where my intuitions and cognitive abilities come from.

Knowing this and believing this, about my consciousness, I realize that every day I do the same thing over and over again, the same experiences, and avoiding experiences. I am here for more, I need to do more.

Just Bummed out, still.