I.T. Consciousness Increasing Energy and Self Awareness

I do believe that we are eternal beings. I can not really explain what I mean by that, do I mean on a conscious level of being? Possibly. Do I even know what that means? Not really. Do I have to? Maybe yes and maybe no. As long as I believe, is that not what really counts? So why should I have to explain what I think that means?

I know that much of what I go through in this reality that I have created hinges on the aspect of a need and having to explain why it is and how it is, that what i believe in. I know that it is this thought process that induces a lot of skepticism and doubt within my own mind as to what I really am doing here. This thought process, I have come to realize, I have expanded and latched onto as part of this reality of being, but it is not. This part of my being that I need to explain and justify to another, just because they ask me why? The expansion of my knowledge and experience since my birth in this reality has been full of people asking why, and many of them, I believe, do not ask the question to actually understand, but to give them an openning to explain to their way or opinion. I say this not to criticize another, but rather, in my own words, try to figure out for myself why I feel threatenned and defensive as to my own reasons why i do what I do. I believe this is because from a very early age, It seemed that everything I did and or every time I needed to explain myself and actions, it was never good enough for those that asked. I felt that they had a need to always correct and change how I did, what I did, and why I did. Over time, I found that it was just easier and less complicated to just give in and do as others did.
**I do not advise this for any one**
This is not the best way to increase ones knowledge and experience. Why? I am just learning that which another has learned their way and not actually learning and gaining experience that vibrates on my own frequency. In other words, while I am learning new knowledge, I am not gaining my own authentic knowledge experience. For example, If my friend does not like apples, and i see this, It is easier for me to automatically decide that i do not like apples either. This, I think is how much of our society operates in the modern world. We will decide the rights and the wrongs, the morality of how we think and act, and this is how it is. Granted, this is not an overall and exact picture of how it is, but, I do believe that within our society there is so much going on, it is easier for others to think and do as we say, and to think and do as others want. For me, this is what I adopted for myself.

When i think about this and really get into the basic fundamentals of my sense of being and identity, this is when it gets clear as to this is how I have been living for the past 40ish years. I call it survival mode. In the beginning, when this realization came into my conscious thought, I tried to explain and justify it and my actions as to why. I can not, only to say, It was in the end easier to give up and give in to how others say I should be and act and do. Survival mode. And for me, doubting my own abilities and confidence,  this was the simplest way to be. And for society, this is the best way for the people to be.

How does this explain the part of eternal beings? It does not.
Not really, but in a sense, it does explain why it is so hard for any one of us to formulate our own sense of being when in fact we are living off each other and trying to fit in and be apart of society. Being a part of society takes a lot of energy and does not give me enough time to really focus on who I  am. So I feel. I do know that while I am alive in this physical body I do need to be a part of society, Family, Job, Bills, etc. But at the same time I get frustrate with myself because I feel this sense, an almost urgency that I have not been on purpose with my life and time is running. Meaning, as we all know, there are limitations to this physical body and it is deteriorating every day. Though as of late, I do feel and sense a knowing that I am on the very edge of living with and being with and knowing my purpose, the reason why I am here and what I am supposed to do. And I know that this is what frustrates me even more. I know I am supposed be doing something other than I am doing, doing that which is my purpose for being here, but I am not. And every day that I do not get on track and live this life on this purpose, is just another day of not being on purpose. Then this life will end, and I will start another life with this purpose all over again.

I am supposed to find this purpose and to live it. That way, when i do come back in another life, I have expanded my consciousness from this life into the next continuing the progressive evolution of expanding consciousness.

This is where I am at in this life, feeling stuck doing and being as I have always done and not able to fully experience the expansion of my own consciousness. I believe that when i can experience that expansion is when I can truly move forward, enhancing my own human condition and not just being a puppet to live out this life in the philosophical zombie style of just survivng and being a part of society.

I want to be a part of society, that makes existence in physical form energizing and inspiring for all who feel the same sense of longing for being more.

“Why did I do that?”
Now, I am no expert, but when the first thought I have in the morning is a question to myself about myself, it may or may not be a good  a day. Usually that question when pops into my head is a follow up on my own self diagnostic of what I want to do for myself, specifically for my health. I can start the day off high energy and full of inspiration and then that can feeling can kinda vanish as the day goes on. It’s like I have different personalities and they all take turns deciding how I will act and behave to how I will think and respond. It can seem confusing, but I have realized that it is all just me.

This can open up a discussion on free will, the choices that we make every moment, consciously and unconsciously, the ones that we have to make and the ones we choose  to make. Usually my choices are based on my external enviroment, which in its self I can justify my actions as not of my own free will, but yet, still are. I do not want to get in to deep at this time about free will and the infinite amount of philosophical debates that we can have about it. I just thought I would start this topic, that touches on free will, more onto our own control and resolutions that we make to ourselve each and every day, and how we at times do not follow through. My to the point, my health, Physical and mental.

While I am not going to go so far into detail at this point, I will say that my health journey has definitely had many ups and downs, pot holes and sink holes. Also many excitements and inspirations. But why, when i get going on a good roll do I usually fuck it all up?
To be honest, I have never really fucked it all right up, it just feels like it. My main goal with my health is to lose the extra belly fat that I have. I want to see my ab definition again. Also, I want to be able to retain and higher energy vibration and positive outlook on life at all times. And well, both can be hard. Life, Stress and an almost infinite amount of excuses can cause a both of those to go askew. But, I still have to live life and to have fun, right? I use that as an excuse, but it’s not really one that can honestly be used. I have fun working out and going to the gym, cycling and swimming. It feels good, physically, to eat properly and watch the amount that I eat. I fast, try to every day, watch the amount of calories going into my system and the type. When on a roll, life just feels awesome and full of energy.  But I always have to rememebr, that it is my choice, my free will, that can change all of that, and I am still at the point of my esoteric training where the resolutions that I make every morning, can dry and dusty and boring by later in the afternoon.

I know that it is all my decisions and choices that affect everything that I do and that happenns in my life. I know I need to work on it, to be firm with my own sense of being and identity. To know myself, is for me to understand myself, and to understand self, I think  is key to being firm in our own sense of identity and being. Knowing this, while it does not change the fact that i went against the goals or purpose of my life, Allows me the opportunity to look deeper into myself every day.

“Why did I do that?” question first thing in the morning seems low energy and disheartening, but it can actually help me grow each time. Giving me the purpose to search within my being and identity to understand the why’s and the what’s and the how’s of my own thoughts. Knowing who I am Is what gives me my purpose and gives me meaning.

I am on a quest, as I believe that many of us are, though,  i also believe that many do not know they are on a quest. That is fine,  it is not part of my quest to go out there and to tell any one else what their quest is, my quest is to know that i have a quest, and to share that knowledge and experiences gained while doing my quest, with any and all that are seeking also on their quest. This quest that I speak of is that of purpose, the reason why I am here and the purpose of it all.
While the experiences discovered and gained are an enlightenned expansion of my consciousness and the very first impulse is the need to share this extraordinary sensation, I must not. The sharing of information to those that are not prepared to be or the want to be intitiated into the knowledge of the higher worlds, while it is not wrong, or a divulgance of secrets, it is a drain on ones inner energy. The term “Soul sucking” comes to mind, though not in an intentional negative sense. For those not yet ready to be intitiated, the information shared will have no meaning and will effectively be a loss of energy for those imparting this knowledge. Much like a rain barrel that is already full of water and yet as more water comes down the spout there is a need for the extra water to overflow and spill over the sides. We are all rain barrells, though there are some that have learned about the barrell and have an understanding of what they need to do so as not to have an overflow of thought and energy. One of my very first steps in attaining the knowledge of the higher worlds, I have learnt and am still adapting to is the knowledge and understanding that i do have, an urge and a need to share this information, while it is available to all, I must be selective to those that I do share it with. With those that are not ready, the energy expenditure far outweighs the experience gained by the transfer of knowledge. What this means, all transfer of knowledge from one to another induces an expansion of thought and consciousness. Transmuting one’s previous knowledge by a process that is much like that of a chemical reaction. Taking a new thought of knowledge and sharing with another, that is also on conscious quest with purpose, will produce this chemical reaction of thought, where once thought is transmitted, another thought will be generated, by the one recieveing, who then will transmit a new generated thought, expanding new thought into yet another new thought, etc. Though, when the process does not generate expansion of new thought that inspires the growth of another new thought of discovery and experience, it is like the rain barrell overflowing, and the energy is not harnessed and used, but released and lost.

This is what I call unintentionable soul sucking, when the one I am sharing my information with, does not understand or is even on the level of understanding even minutely close to my own, i am expending my energy with no return on the energy used.

One of my very first lessons, I am still very new at all this learning and training in the esoteric sciences and it is only natural to have my energy increase with inspiration and excitement, but i must hold on to my energy because to drain it, takes much more to replenish it. That is a very small part of my overall understanding, though it has so much depth to it. My sharing of information needs to be thought out and held on to, not in a secretive way, but in a protective way. I need to learn how to protect my own thoughts of new found inspired energy from the unconscious, un-intention energy drain, soul sucking, of those not on conscious purpose quest. The hardest part is to stay focused on my quest purpose while still being an active and social partof this life I am living now.

One of my little OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) things is that I have a need to explain why and what I am doing, and many times, I over explain🙃. Just one of my things, i get it in my head that i need to explain and even justify why it is that i do something. Like my journal for example, today, Aug 22/23. Why do i need to explain why it is that for today I am going to combine yeaterday and today? And incase you have not already figured it out, because i did not do a post yesterday. I feel like maybe if i do not do something everyday, that maybe I am being lazy, or just don’t care, that something isn’t important. Like these posts. They are important, to me, because it gets my mind spinning and active. I love that! Also, i want to provide the best continous support and information for any and all of my readers. I know that I can miss a day, here and there, but there is something inside me that says that some bnow some way, I have to make it up.

I think, possibly even know that we all deal with our very own unique OCD situations. Every one of us humans, no matter how old or young, develops some sort of inner guide of things that we must do, or even think, say and act on. I think these thoughts and behaviours, are not a bad thing, they just help us maintain our initial unconscious and progressive strive for purpose, and sense of being. Now, with that said, there can be times that these thoughts and behaviours, or even ticks as some people call them, may at times be used, or created, to cover up or mask our own deep fear(s) of un-purposefullness. (I don’t think that is a proper word, but it fits).

What I mean by that is that I believe, and have come to realize with my own sense of being experiment experiences, is that purpose is what really gives us meaning and reason in this life. we develop and create a sense of purpose of life, a kind of meaning for and purpose of life. To go even deeper into that thought, this purpose and meaning for life is already instilled within our consciousness. We all, Humans, have a purpose for being here, for being in existence. How do i know this? I don’t! It just feels right! And feels on prupose. I believe that we are eternal consciousness, that this life is only just a part of our overall existence. This body, although finite, is an instrument, a tool that we have created to help us explore and to expand our understanding of the physical unsiverse.

Here is the dilema, our paradox of being. We are born into tis life Tabula Rasa, with a clean slate (John Locke). The purpose for this is that if we came into this life with the knowledge possessed from the higher realms and worlds of knowledge, would we be able to actually formulate our own new thoughts and experiences? Probably not. There would be many that would take this knowledge for  their own gain in this life, and not create the experiences and new knowledge need for the continued enhancement of existential consciousness.

Now, going back to the topic of OCD. We call it a disorder, maybe, maybe not. For the comparison of normalcy of our social structure, this would disrupt the flow of how our society has determined how we should act and think. The morals of our human beingness. I think that maybe possibly, the morals that we have determined to be a part of our human condition, have actually disrupted and distracted our very basic fundamental purpose for being here in physical form. Which is, to experience the human side of being. So while we call it Obsessive compulsive disorder, like many of the other disorders that we have labeled within our very own and unique parapsycological frame of human mind set. Maybe we each are to experience that what we are all  working through everyday, to expand our knowledge and understanding of the universe on the higher levels of knowing. There is also more to this theory of mine, and it does border, contradict and even compliment many other theories of our existence that have been offered to any that are willing to look into.

For  a closing I would just like to say, that this line of thought is never done, can never be completed, there are an infintie amount of variables that can and do affect esach and every outcome that can happen. We humans have become in a sense, detached from our actual purpose of existnece. Though, while it is buried deep within our physical sense of being, we consciously do not, or have lost the inspiration to dig deeper into it because we forgotten that we are eternal consciousness. We focus on the materialistics of life, since nothing else really matters. We are going to survive today, to live tomorrow and once that is done, there is nothing more. How depressing is that?
Maybe we need to start living for our existence?

I once heard a quote, It was something like this, “The curious paradox of life is that when we accept who we are, that is when we can change.”
I have always loved this quote, and in all honesty, I did not realize the actual meaning of it until recently.
I have always been drawn to the phenomenom of life, the mystical or metaphysics aspects of knowing and being. I could go so far as to say that i have been searching for the meaning, or my meaning, my purpose in this life. I think that it is safe to say, every human being has this curiousity, consciously and unconsciously. In our own way, we are all looking for this purpose and meaning. I know, that many have found it. That is, anyways, a form of purpose, but I am not going to get into that at this moment. All I will say, there are many different options for all of us to have meaning and to give ourselves the illusion of purpose for our life.
What we fail to understand, purpose in life is different than what purpose do I have here, What is my purpose? In this body, on this earth. How does it connect with cosmic energy and that of existence?
I have many different purposes, all that have meaning and reason. I am a Son, Brother, Husband and Father. Cousin, Friend, aquaintance and work collegue. The many different categories of our life, determines our every day purpose. There is a meaning why we have a family and friends. There is a reason why we do what we do, say what we say. They all tie into the purpose(s) that we have created for ourselves.
But again, what of the purpose that we are here for? Why are we here? Or Why am I here? Who am I? What am I supposed to do? In this life?

I believe that we are all here for purpose and meaning, and that is to learn and to experience, not just in this life, but to accumulate this knowledge and experience over many different lives, every life will have new and different meaning and purpose. The reasons may all be the same or different with each life, to progressively enhance our own sense of consciousness. The continued search for knowledge and understanding of the fundamental cosmic meaning and purpose of existence. Deep down, we all have this basic desire and urge to eplore, to learn and to experience. Though hidden through many different layers of our own human condition distractions of life….or survival.

I used to believe that I may just be able to share with and help other’s to expand their consciousness of this basic fundamental human desire that we all share to learn and experience. I feel a deep seeded connection to this purpose in life, to expand myself and others, to seek for cosmic understanding of existence. I still know that that is a purpose of mine, though now i think that it might have been from a previous life, or possibly for the next. I do not think that I am ready at this time to have all of my focus and mindful attention solely reserved for the training of others. I am still in the exploring and experiencing phase of my human condition. Though, I do know, that given the intuitive thoughts and visions that I have recieved over the past many years, I am to also share and to guide others on this path. It is the only way that I myself can also continue to progress and evolve my own sense of being and identity.
So, with that, I must admit to myself, that while I am seeking and searching for my own meaning, reasons and purpose, and to begin to understand what that means, I must also focus on myself. Consciously knowing that I can not live a life of fantastical thought and dreams, being lost in reverie of something more, something different. I must in this physical form know and believe that I alone, create the life that I have, outside of the purpose for my existence. But knowing this, It is now my purpose to merge the meanings and reasons of material, with those of cosmos, divinity and existence. This is when comprehension and understanding begin to unfold.
Identity and being expand and the knowledge of higher worlds unfold for my consciousness to know.

As i explore more and delve deeper into the esoteric realms of knowing and understanding, I come to realize that it does all make sense, that while the peices of the puzzle of existence are all around us, many of them are interchangeable, always fitting together but making a new picture. The frustrations of life is just that! Interchangeable puzzle peices that can make understanding and knowing attainable, while at the same time showing that no matter how much knowledge is gained, I still do not know. I think that it is the confusion that I encounter every day, that is confusing the aspects of the material and physical with that of the physical and astral. Frustrations and fears felt or more than just part of our human condition. I feel that as we humans are quite an extraordinary example of life, as we know it, we miss the basic foundamental fact of our very existence. To Learn, to experience and to understand. Every day is a new day, a new chance and opportunity. This is my frustration! I know this is what I am supposed to be doing, yet I feel that I am not. The more I work on self and understanding, the more vague and abstract it seems to be. It is not good and bad, strong and weak, north or south, there is never only one definitive answer or knowing or understanding, there are always more. Like the scale on a thermometer, there are always points in between and yet these points also have there own scale and in between.The most frustrating and confusing part of this new understanding and knowing, is the fact the I must still remain an active part of the material world, the esoteric training that I have choosen to undergo shows me new truths of life, but while I am to remain in the physical, the full understanding of existence shall not be revealed. Only peices over many incarnations will be shared and each peice will contain an infinite amount of information that may or may not all fit together with the learning path that I am on. But while this all, in a sense seems senseless, to our being and to our existence, we must remain in the physical for the use of our cognitive faculties have the keys to help us aquire a knowing of the higher knowledge that is attainable for all.Many, over the course of their life, will at times, sense this learning, many never will. It will take many incarnations for ones consciousness to even begin to realize this learning and understanding that is ongoing through every moment of being and thought.

There is a desire within me,  to be me, to be more than I am. This desire is hard to explain. I want to be like and accepted by others, by those that are part of my life, or is it a need? This desire, the need for acceptance, inspires a deep inner fear of rejection, which also induces thoughts and feelings of resentment. When I follow the path of success, social and cultural acceptance, I feel that I am not the being that I am supposed to be. The paradox being, that I must live within society and culture to be of worth.
Inside, I feel that I have, up to now played my part. I have worked and payed my bills. Been a part of and expanded family and friends. Suffered in silence, as a newly expanded sense of awareness awakens, as those around me also do, within their sleep.
Hitherto, I have not had the oportunity to fully explore, niether to explain to self, why all that feels like an act in a play, a part in a game? That which I know that I am not succeeding in, but which I am forced to continue play, as those also playing see no other purpose, no sense in being, but to play the part they have choosen for themslves.

The resolutions that I have made for myself in life, for my betterment of my condition, at times seem to be in contradiction to all of life that which I am living. I do get a sense of support, though, I understand those that offer and suggest support do not understand. This support being an empty gesture of how they are also struggling to survive their own growing unsureness of sense of being. There is no greater sense of being, than to feel a part of, though I know now, a fictitious desperate attempt of being.
I must admit to self, that it is not my duty, at this time, possibly in this life, to expose the erroneous sense of being that has been adopted. For I, myself, have only just seen a glimpse of what could be, and what may not be in the whole of being. A knowing that I do have, is a sense that I must keep my own, to myself. 

The desperate attempt I must keep playing, for appearances and acceptance in life, so that i will also come to know, my place with purpose. This purpose of desire to be more than I am can only be achieved with the awareness of sham, and the continued participation of this game.

Getting up early. I like getting up early. It’s peacefull, quiet and calm. I get a chance to really feel who I am and how I am feeling. It is the time that I do alot of my thinking and reflection, without any distractions. Though at times, it is not very peaceful or quiet, within my head, but the outside distractions are less so that I may focus more on the inside noise and distractions.
This is a time that i can realize what I have done, the effects that they have caused and what i now have to do as consequences of my actions and or thoughts. Also, it is a time that i realize what I have not done. This is usually what bothers me the most. It is what I have not done that causes the most stress and regrets in my own mind. The consequences of my not doing is why I am still wondering “What if?”
There is always the thought, I should have done that, I could have done that, If i would have done that, maybe things would be different now. The rabbit hole of “What if’s?” It is not a good place to be stuck in. I go there every moring, and you know what? I am able to not let it control me, that much. There is one thing that really still bothers me to this very moment, on the topic of the effects to myself for what I have not done. In the morning peacefulness and tranquility, I am inspired. I can do and I will do and I will be!!!
How come at some point during the day, I lose this inspiration? This will to be? All that I know that I can do, dissapates as the day goes on. Do I just get tired? worn out and fatigued? Is it a question of will power and free will? Or could it be some form of personal punishment or karma, dictating my perseverance and determinism?
This is my thoughts of what I have not done and what I have done. I have a vision for my life, goals and outcome that I would like to reach. What I have not done, is to do that which I need or must do for the betterment of self. My own personal commitment for the strivation for my own excellence.
I do, everyday, that which others expect of me and what I think other’s expect of me. There are only so many hours in a physical day, for a physical body. I know that i must for my own wellbeing and growth, focus on self. It is just so easy to be distracted from striving for my own excellence and haappiness. In a sense, It’s hard to be me and happy, easy to be sad and miserable.

So, Getting up early and having thoughts like these, many would rather sleep. Me, I believe they make me stronger every day, and i do learn more every day.

There are times that just feel like there is so much to do and think about and it can be overwhelming. We all have times like this. Some can just push off these feelings and keep on going as if it does not bother them, on the surface. Consciously able to kinda push these thoughts aside, either deeper into unconsciousness so that they get buried under heaps of crap already residing there, or mindlessly dismissing these thoughts as unimportant and forgeting them. Both of these have certian unfortunate circumstances attached to them as well as having to deal with them, but at the time, it’s the only way they know how to deal with these thoughts.

*CAUTION!!* our minds do not forget, everything and anything that has happened to us, within our environment, that has registered onto any of our sense is remebered. (This is part of the human condition)

Others, unfortunately, do not have to ability to consciously push these thoughts aside, either deeper into unconsciousness or into the forget / junk folder of the brain. These thoughts can linger, interrupting the days, nagging whispers that can come out of nowhere. These thoughts, can cause so many varitions of currupted perceptions of knowledge and memories, stresses and anxieties, that unkowingly to our consciousnes mind, we are not functioning at our highest level of our cognitive faculties.

Being overwhelmed from the act of needing to do to the thoughts of everything that is happenning, is what being human is all apart. We have to best figure out what works for us to be able to fully integrate these into our life so that we do not become over burdened and overwhelmed.
One way to relieve these thoughts and feelings, is talking to someone, and reading material that focuses on this subject, though that too can have some adverse and unfortunate outcomes.

We must be able to reconize the information that we are recieving and to know how and if this information is complimentary to our own authenticity. What this means, we all have personalities and character unique to our own sense of identity. The information that another shares with us, we must screen and make sure of its compatibility with our sense of being and identity. If we do not, it can also add to the overwhelming burdens of life.

So what do you do?

Get to know yourself. Know your thoughts, your feelings, perceptions and behaviours. Understand what your cognitive faculties are, why and how they process. How you can change.

I have many inspiring thoughts, thoughts that raise my vibration and make me feel that this is what life is all about. Exploring, experiencing, learning,  growing. It is these thoughts that give me hope that life is more than just being here, eating, sleeping, working. Whats the point? This life, I know is meant to be for more. As was the previous life and will be the next.

I feel like I have slept for the majority of my life, and while I have been sleeping, my life has been lived on the assembly line of human zombies. Mindlessly going about my life, day in day out, surviving, just trying to get to the next day as painlessly as possible.

I have dreams and desires, some have the possibility of merging with this reality, some only a possiblity with a miraculous event such as a lottery win.

The Key I find is to be able to distinguish between the many different thoughts, dreams and desires and see which one fits best for me, in the reality that I now am living, but also know that I can and will change my reality to be able to strive for my own existential excellence of existing. My purpose, my great work.