I.T. Consciousness Increasing Energy and Self Awareness

When i look at my life, especially the aspect of working and living, I get a sense of what i might just call boredom with a tinge of frustration. I feel that there is so much more for me to do and to experience and yet everyday, day in, day out, in a nut shell, i do the same thing. I want to get out and to explore, to see, to feel, to experience, not just this material, physical world, but life and all it wonderous and mysterious ways. I want to feel what it is like to be totally conected to the sensations of the universe. To feel, deep inside the subtle, yet firm humming vibration of the cosmos as the awareness of existence becomes a conscious and constant part of me.

What is it, what part of me forces me, almost every waking moment, to sense that i am to do more? To be more?
This feeling and sense is like a constant torturing punishment, is this the cruelty of humanity?
But no, underneath all this dissatisfaction, annoyances and irritations with life, pushing aside the despair and hopelessness, the sensation of couriosity, amazement and wonderment of everything that is and everything that will and could be. I sense what i can only explain as a small child, in the middle of a crowd of grown adults, carrying on with their busy and hectic days. Full of  stresses and worry, distracted from the very thing that they are here to be, human. This child inside me, can sense and knows that this life can be so much more, if i just let it be.
The abundance of the cosmos is available to all, if we just let ourselves, and yet sadly, i do not have enough time. There is work, family and friends. All the things that I have created within my life to keep me busy and preoccupied.

Why have i created this way of life for myself? if i feel that it is a torturing punishment for being human?
Because deep inside all humans there is this small child, glowing with a light of many different colors and vibrations. There are no fears or anxieties, no pain, stress or doubt, only the pure thoughts and feelings of being alive. With all the sensations finely tuned to recieve any and all information and knowledge of the universe. Though, without proper training in the ancient ways, the receptiveness of my pure and innocent child is bombarded with adult energies of stress and pain, and the need to be accepted.

I did not realize that my reasoning for creating the life that I live was to have distractions from my pain and suffering of losing touch with my child.

What ever doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. The stuff that makes life hard only makes us stronger. No pain no gain. It isnt worth it if we dont have to work for it.

We have all heard these little quotes, kinda like inspirational saying to help us keep going, striving for our own excellence.
I say it’s all bullshit. I do believe in hard work, i do not believe in someone else saying to another that which makes them feel better about a situation that some one else is in. But as humans we have to always stick our noses into someone elses business. Does it make ourself feel better that someone else is going through a difficult time? Or having a stressful moment in life? And that we feel obligated now to share some little words of advice while secretly we are relieved that it is not ourselve in that particular situation of hardship?

I hate my life at times. The bullshit that happens. And it happens to all of us. And yes, if i look at my life as it is now, my hardest moment, might still seem like paradise compared to someone elses life. But why is it that we are in situations at times that just make life seem so hopeless and beyond control? It is because of the choices and decisions that we have made along the way. It is all me. And there is no one that i can point a finger at or blame. So at times that seem so hopeless and full of despair, that i am not in control, the most frutrating part of it all? Knowing that it is all me. And only i can change the circumstances and situations in m life.

**Disclaimer**
I also know that there are limitations to that. But i am not getting into those here. This is only for me to on the very surface, know that from start to end, i have choices. If i do not like how my life is, change it and quite coming up with excuses to deny that i can. While i can not control the person drinking then driving and smashing into my car putting me into the hospital and giving me the hopeless situation of being injured, i did have the choice of getting into my car and being on the same road at that time. I knw eh? the paradox of life? But how was i supposed to know? Your not, but if my choices would have been diffferent 1 hour ago, or a day, week, year and even 10 years ago, I probably would not have been in my car that day and getting hit by a drunk driver.

There are many different situations and scenarios that we can think up that we belive that are beyond control, when in fact, yes they are. Maybe it all depends on the chooices that we make today, how we are feeling about ourself today, we determine and affect the out of one day 10 years from now.

If i sit here today, not really likng the type of life that i am living and want to change that, does it help to think back on decisions that i have made before? Yes, i believe it does, and no, at the same time i find that i sometimes think on those past decisions and then i justify why i made trying to get rid of my guilt and anxiety. I have to come to terms with the decisions that i have already made and realize that i can not change them. I need to accept what comes next into my life, the hardships and the pleasures. Knowing that even when i have the pleasures, there will always be some type of hardship, stress, anxiety, that will make me just want to scream, run away and hide, and bury my head in the sand.

While yes, the hardships can make me a better person, but only if i decide for that to happen. So while every one is giving inspirational quotes as to how the stresses and pains of life will only make you a stronger and better person, only if you decide that they will. And for those people that feel a need to comfort and give a helping hand to those that are in less fortunate circumstances then they are, we need to remeber also, that we all make our own choices and decisions in  our life. I am not saying to not help our fellow human, just to be aware that what we feel is right and helpful, may for another, at that time, not be.

For myself, I know the decisions that i have made in the past have determined where i am at, at this moment. I can not change them. Thinking back, i have to decioher within my own mind why i made them. Was is out of practibility?, Justification or fear? Love, respect, compassion? Or just the fact that at the time i did not know any better? This is where my groth, knowledge and experience comes from. But also to realize why i made those decisions in the past, to be more mindful of the decisions that i will make in the future to keep my life  on the purpose that it is to do.

what really frustrates me is the fact that no matter how many times i makeit through one of my rough patches in life, just the way that this life is set up, i know that it will happen again and again and again. It’s like the groundhog day syndrome.

The next thing that adds to my frustration in this life, is that i know this!! And yet, i will continually do the same things over and over again, just because it is the way. I get up, go to work, make money, pay bills and buy stuff. It’s like the saying, do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is the definaition of insanity. This lifei s insane!! The most frustrating part of this whole concept? I know this! And i keep doing it over and over again.

I have been working on this scenario for many years, this scenario that i know that i need to change something to be able to get myself out of this groundhog day existence. It is hard for me to explain, but i think it has to do with the complexities of the human mind and condition. I/we, humans, have so many intricate inner workers that it is hard for us to focus or to know which one or area of self to be mindful of, to be able to produce an awakend state of our own unique individuality. This awakened state, or awareness of self is when these changes can and will begin to occur.

My question, how do i achieve this heightenned sense of awareness? I have been searching for this answer, unknowingly for most of my life, consciously, at this time for about 6 years. What i have found is that there are many different ways to do this, and they all work, in there own way. I have also come to understand, that i have to constantly work at each of these ways of awakening, but also have to find new ways in which to also integrate into my being to get the most diversity out of this life. This life, this existence has so much to offer that if i just find one way that works, or that makes me feel good, i will not be able to fullfill my actual purpose, which is to grow and expand my consciousness and enhance my human condition. What i have done in the past is to follow the guidance and advice of other’s around me. While this is not a bad thing, it gives me new perspectives and knowledge and experience, but i forget to integrate my own thoughts and deeper feelings about this information. Doing this will assimilate the knew knowledge into self, with my own knowledge, allowing me to continually expand and enhance.

Just to clarify, when i gain new knowledge and information external of self and i put this into an active practice within self, there must be a point that the new information is merged with my already fundamental base knowledge. If it is not, I am not correctly using this new information for expanding of my consciousness or enhancing my human condition, I am using it in hopes of finding an easier, simpler way to strive for a happy life. That is, in other words, the ability to survive this moment just to get to the next. We are not taught any more to expand ourselves and consciousness. Many do not understand what that means, so it is not real and has no purpose or meaning.

This is my purpose, to remain constantly awake and aware of self, even though I have to wade through the thickness of low vibrational energies of just survivng the moment, doing the same thing over and over again in life. But knowing, eventually i will find the key or the next step that will allow me to raise my consciousness up just a little bit more.

I wonder from time to time, what is and what it is meant to be?
This sounds deep, but in the whole scope of my existence, does any of it have any meaning? Yes i know, this is one of those philosophical questions that has been asked since the beginning. And it can seem to be a little depressing, since can we ever truly really ever get to an actual answer? I believe yes, sortof. I think the answer is ever changing, from day to day. But we must continue asking it, as it is the basic fundamental of our purpose here.
For me, i really start paying attention to this question, and the multi-layers of answers whenever i am going through a rough patch. I start questioning the why’s of my life, what i am doing. You see for me, when i get into an easy flow of life, when everything feels safe and secure, everything is going in an orderly fashion, i forget to ask the questions of life. I go with the flow and everything is making sense. While in a sense, this is a nice way to live, it does not allow for me to grow and expand. I need the rough patches to make me realize that i still need to really look deep inside, that there is still more stuff to work on and to learn to enhance myself.

The rough patches suck!! Because there are times that i can be in the flow for such a long time and develop habits that when the rough patches hit, they are not just pot holes in life, but grande canyons.

So while it is nice and easy to live with the flow, i do have to keep asking myself the question, what am i doing? Does it have meaning? What is my meaning and purpose?
I have found that to really help to answer these questions, i ask myself  what i believe the answer is and does it feel right, intuitively? What i mean by this is that if all i do is ask myself questions, do i ever really get an answer? Or do i just frustrate myself into just going with the flow and waiting for some one or some thing to give me an answer? When i ask the question, what am i doing? What is my purpose? and then ask myself What do i think my purpose is? What do i think the meaning is? How does that feel to me? It gets me to really focus on my inner senses of my own personal authenticity. And that is the key. I have to get to know myself, how i feel. I believe that we all have the answers to our purpose and meaning, the problem being w never listen to them. We get together in groups and decide what is and what is not and that is how it is. We loose our very essence of self, and can never really answer any of these questions.

Besides, If we continually group our answers together and do the same as the next person, can we ever really experience own very own reality in this existence?

Maybe, what i am getting at here is that i am tired of just plugging away, survivng in life, when there is a feeling, a sense deep inside me that screams, I am more! There is more to this existence than chasing around a maze. I am to make my own maze, for my own choices and decisions. Creating my own understanding of existence and experiences which will enhance my own human condition!

As I develop a deeper sense of myself, everyday, I realize also that i get stuck in patterns and habits of old. Thoughts, opinions, behaviours, become apparent when i search deeper within as to who i am, what is my purpose, and why.

The human condition is a complex array of thoughts, emotions and feelings. This does induce in many the extreme emotions of anxieties and fears. As i delve deeper within self, consciously, i feel a sense of deep purpose and passion. Working to understand my thoughts and emotions is only just a small part of my overall purpose, but is one that must be known to progress continually with purpose. You see, i believe and feel on purpose when examining the inner esoteric workings of life and existence. To know that i am alive, not only in physical form, but also as an eternal energy consciousness, gives my physical consciousness a deeper sense of purpose and connection to all in existence. To think, even if only for a small moment in time, that when this physical body expires, that I, in consciousness, as a form of energy moves on and continues. This perception gives me hope and reason as to why the many overwhelming thoughts and emotions of my human condition are in fact a passing moment in time. That in the ultimate scheme of my existence, my fears and anxieties, inspirations and happiness are only for my expansion of consciousness.

As for the continued topic of anxieties. Yes at times, life can feel quite hopeless. But to know, that ultimately, it will pass and i will have expanded my consciousness to new levels of understanding.
With this comes the sense of rising above, and being able to look down on my physical situations and know, I am more.

My mind really likes to run around inside my brain, up and down, side to side. At times the thoughts come so fast that i can not keep up and i get overwhelmed. These thoughts are usually unfounded, end of the world, worse case scenario, what if, thoughts that happen when my world is about to change. There is a word for this, Anxiety.

I know the last couple of entries that i have made have been centered on this topic, but i think it is a really important one that many people need to, me included, live with. I realize that for me, anxiety holds me back, almost paralyzes me. I have a hard time focusing and even trying to get things done, it all seems so hard. There is always so much to do and so little time. AHHA! Time, another one of my favorite topics. Put the two together and i have the beginings of a perfect storm.

I wish i knew a way to work it all out to disappate the tensions inside, other than  just pushing through. It all seems like a waste of time after it is all over and i realize that i had nothing to worry about. That even if something were to happen, i would figure it out and get through it in the end. Or adjust to something new and integrate it into my life. Thats what we are supposed to do right?

Anyways, i am getting so antsy writing this right now that i just going to make a short entry today, drink some coffee and go for a walk.

Changes, we all go through them, nothing stays the same, everything changes. I could write some examples, like the seasons, body growth, maturity, knowledge, erosion and age. I have been going through changes myself for quite awhile and every once in awhile, it really hits me in the face. I have noticed that as of late i have less motivation and energy to do much of the physical work around the house as i used to, and it frustrates me. Pick up this, clean that, move this, repair that, all mostly the aesthetic appearances of the living space that my family and i live in.The fact that i now look around at “the mess” and can not quite understand how i have let it get this far, ahhhhhh, at times i just want to rip out my hair, if i had any. There is so much, all the time, little stuff that keeps compiling and eventually grows into big stuff. And even now, i am writing this journal blog and my mind is going, what are you doing? Why are you just sitting here, writing in this journal when you should be cleaning or puttering around and getting all this shit done!!!

My change has been more of a mental, spiritual shift. I now deal mostly within self, about self, for the enhancement of myself. That said, it takes time, and that means it takes the time away from the aspect of keeping myself busy with all the material distractions of my life. I realize, when i take the time to, that i used to flutter around and do so much physical moving, i had no time to actually be with myself. By the end of the day, i was so physically drained of energy, there was none left over.

Now however, i have come to realize a new energy drain, my mind. I spend so much time absorbed with new modes of thought and expansion, that by mid to late day, i am again low energy and have really nothing left to do any of my old physical routine. I need to find balance.

I work on my health everyday. There is much that i love doing, cycling, going to the gym, walking, swimming, etc. I try to watch what i eat, low sugar and processed foods. Getting a variety of fruits, vegtables and berries in my diet. Calorie counting. I love seeing the belly melt away, the pounds dropping on the scale, it makes me feel like i am being productive. Though, like above, i get to the point, where i work on my health, but lately, it feels like by mid afternoon, i have no energy to be mindful of what i need to do to maintian the level of health i need to continue progressing with my health goals. I start snacking early and i snack later. A little back ground here. I started experimenting with my own physical and mental health years ago. I found the main change was when i changed my diet, introducing daily into my routine a unique blend of fruits, vegetables and berries and a plant based protien shake mixture. It was so easy. Next came the actual physical work outs. Trust me when i say, this part has taken years, but i did find the sweet spot that inspired me every day to do it. Next came specific diet plans. There was many that i tried, and yes, i loss a little extra weight, but many did not fit into my daily physical fitness routine that i have developed. Mainly, i realized a loss of physical energy with my workout routines. I did discover Fasting, and it worked fantastic!
I started out with the 16:8 (16hr fast 8hr eating window) I watched my calories, ate whole food, less sugar and refined foods, drank lots of water, even cut down my alcohol consumption. And WOW! I started seeing bodily transformations in the mirror. Also, an increase of physical and mental energy. It was awesome! But again, with any change, there is always other changes.

For me, it felt like i was doing great, and i was. But, i forgot one little aspect of myself, my mind. I got caught up in the just the physical aspect of my health and really was not paying attention to some stuff deeper inside. So when i actually started focusing on my metaphysical health and life enhancement, it took time away from my physical mindfulness of my healthy lifestyle. Again, I need to find balance.

So, balance in my life. I think any one reading this will agree, you have to allow time for every thing that is important for life, to sustain and maintain one’s quality and enhancement of life. I believe that is one of  our fundamental basic purposes in life. To look after and care for ourselve, physically, mentaly and spiritually. There will be many changes through out our life and we will have to learn how to adapt to these changes for the continued progression of our health and life. There are no simple answers, it all takes time and effort. For myself, i have to be aware that during these changes, there will be an un-balance with my life, things will get messy and confusing, frustrating and chaotic. The only thing to do, is to just keep doing. Continually find that balance, and be as prepared for the next change as i can be. Which really means, just know that at some point another change is coming, watch for it, be open minded and let it happen. Because if i try to stay as i am while the change is happening, that is what causes all the pain and frustration. My one tell, that i have noticed over time, that lets me  know that i am resisting a change in my life that is occuring is that i get absorbed with either the physical, the mental or the spiritual side of life. For example, the biggest change in my life was when i was a new husband and dad. I did not even know that i should focus on my mental or spritual, i did all the physical. I kept busy, fixing things. It has taken many years but i now realize that if i had found how to balance all aspects of my life, it may have been a little easier, a lot less years of just doing.

I can not honestly say if my life would be different now, if i had learned about mental and spiritual health sooner and started to practice with more awareness of self sooner, but i do know, that with whole being health and balance in life, the effect is amazing. Especially for my family and the new found love and respect that i have for myself.

I so want to keep going on and on with my post yesterday about time and anxieties, but i have found with myself, i can get stuck on a thought and eventually realize that all i have been doing was circling the thoughts in my head and not really getting any where, wasting my time. I have to force myself to focus on another aspect of life, thought and experience. This progresses me on my journey’s path of actual purpose. Oh, wait, still on the same topic, kinda, as yesterday, purpose! Does it ever go away? No, I think this is why we have the type of world that we live today. Full of mindless, purposeless and meaningless, mindfull, purposefull and meaningfull, habits, perceptions, cultures, religions, and live’s that distract me from my one true purpose. Again, to enhance my human condition, physically, mentally and spiritually. Purpose never goes away, it is and always will be an integral part of our human beingness and i know this is the reason behind why we distract ourselves from purpose. The purpose and meanings that i have created in my life distract me from my intuitive knowing and sense that i have purpose for being here. One part of this purpose of me being in existence, is to seek out and to understand this purpose of this existence. My opinion as to why i am to do this? So that my higher consciousness, energy, spirit, will also start understanding it’s part and it’s purpose of it’s existence and meaning.

That all seems quite vague, this explanation of the purpose of my existence, possibly of the human existence. Hard to proove and even harder to actually live. There is no end, there is no money to be earned, no respect and definately no prize when i finally figure it all out. Oh and by the way, many many life times i am sure. This could be what the ancients meant by ascention, or not.
So in the end, why should i even try to follow this path? Why should i even think that what i am doing, (that which fills me an inspired passionate hope and sense of being, searching for my purpose of my humanity and my eternal infinite purpose of existence) has any meaning or purpose in this life? Simply, it will enhance this life so that my next life is further along this path.

Or, i could just go to work, pay the bills, be part of cutlure and society and drone on, every life. Creating purposefull distractions and meanings that keep me busy. Survive from one day to the next, to be happy.

Time, for myself, is my biggest anxiety. I could start by saying that time is an illusion created by man, but, that is only half true. Time is and always will be a part of existence, as we can see with birth, ageing and death. Time is all around us.
As for the human aspect of time, the actual hours in the day, helps us to manage our life more effeciently, sort of.
I have, forever, felt the stress and pressures of time. I always feel like there is not enough time, and with that thought, there is much that i do not do or accomplish.
For example, as I am writing this, I am so full of anxiety, feeling like there is so much to do, and I am not doing anything and running out of time. I am going back to my “real” job in four days. This job will take me away from home for weeks and months.

Maybe some background. I work bigger projects on the pipeline and when they come to an end, I take some much needed time off to get re-aquainted with family and friends. This time, I was planning on taking at least 2 months off, which extended into 3, then 4 and now 5. Wow, I am loving it!! I spent most of tht time working on myself, my health, physical and mental, but also alot of time on a passion that i have discovered within myself. This passion being one of a metaphysical journey within self, but not only for myself, but also for others. I love sharing my experiences with those that have also discovered that there is more to life than just being alive and surviving. This is why I have created a business model for guiding people on their metaphysical journey, IT Consciousness.
Now  getting back to the point, Time. Time and me go way back. All i know is that I have always felt the pressures of fininte time in this body. Lately I have realized this more and more as i work on myself. It is because i have purpose for being here, as i believe, we all do. We all have a basic fundamental purpose for being here, in this body, on this earth, at this very moment. I know this is the very reason for my moments of extreme anxieties, this life will end, have i been living this life with the purpose that it was suppose to? Or was i living this life, in a reverie, just surviving one moment to the next. Not understanding what i was supposed to do and just creating frivolous purposes to give some sort of meaning to this life? And, as for the later, this would suggest that i did not believe in the eternal consciousness, this body has an expiration time and then it’s all over. But no, I believe yes, this body has an expiration time, and when it’s over, there is a part that does not die. ( I have my opinoin on this in another blog). Consciousness does survive, I am eternal consciousness. But what does this have to do with my anxiety?

My anxiety kicks in full time when i know, especially going back to work, that i will not be able to continue living my life with the purpose that i was supposed to do. That is expanding knowledge and experience and understanding of being in existence, the meaning and the reason. Work, I have come to realize, is a purpose created to keep me from being on purpose. It is much easier to create that which has no purpose, than to live on purpose. What is living on purpose?

Enhancing my human condition by living the best that i can for myself, which includes and is not limited to my physical, mental and spiritual health.

As for work, having no purpose other than to not be on purpose, is not totally true. It is a purpose, has it meaning and reasons, to provide a means to accumulate financial security and income. It also gives us meaning and false purpose. But, it is not the purpose why I am here. Just think for a moment, I come into this physical body, to get a job, pay bills, buy things, then die? I don’t know about you, but that seems kinda lame for this amazing complex bundle of atoms and cells that I call my body. Now also, i have to also say, to have this body, now at this time, i do have to still be apart of society, so i have to work and pay bills and buy stuff. The whole point here is that while we claim that anxieties are of late, “A normal part” of our society, they are part of our human condition of our being. I believe it is more like an antenna or radar for me to sense when i am living on and with purpose. When the anxieties kick into high gear, i am not living with the purpose that will enhance my human condition, i am being on purpose of that of human zombie.