I.T. Consciousness Increasing Energy and Self Awareness

This sounds really self explanatory, taking care of myself. But, in reality, it is one of the hardest things that i have to do every day. There is so much to taking care of myself, not just the eating properly or physical activity. There is a mental aspect and this i find to be the hardest.

How do i feel about myself, is just the beginning.
There is so much that i discover everyday, and with that the frustrations of why i can not control the thoughts and feelings that seem to come rushing into my semi-consciousness. Even the concept of knowing what is going on inside my mind is not enough to form an understanding of all these thoughts and feelings, that at times, take control and i can not shut them off.

When i am in control, or, when i feel somewhat at peace from the whirling chaotic thoughts and feelings, this is when i must try and organize  what was happening within my mind, the mental and physical effects onto myself. This is when a little bit of understanding of my inner depths becomes a little more exposed to my conscious knowing of self and authenticity.

One thing that i have been putting off, is a way to keep my attention and focus on what it is that i think, need and want to accomplish with this life. I believe that this is a peice of my overall purpose of being.
Another peice of my overall purpose, is to get on a conscious and mindfull path of my purpose of life and the meaning that it has. Which i am hesitant to say, but i think that i need to start a list, a plan, goals and key points that i think i need to focus on. A routine in this life that will keep me focused. I think the easiest place to start is on the physical aspects of life. Eating and physical activity. Both of these do make me feel really good or really bad, it all depends on how i integrate them both. And of late, it has been very poor, which i firmly believe is one of the key ingredients to the chaotic darkness and low vibration of my overall energy.

I have to change.

Working on myself i realize that there is a lot to me, more than i knew before. Everday, if, and when i pay attention, i can learn something new. Most of it so subtle that unless i am really and intentionally watching and feeling, i would never have become aware. Most of this is feelings and senses, intuition and or what many people would call gut feelings or 6th sense, I think. I think for myself, i have started to really explore and discover what my intuition is, where it comes from and when it becomes the most apparently in use. I have discovered that many thoughts and feelings have an underlying attachment to a deeper sense of knowing within myself. It  is kinda hard to explain, unless one is also working on their own development of intuitive sensing and knowing.

All i  can say, is that it can be frustrating because you start sensing what is and what can be in amongst the chaos of the material and physical and it is like knowing that something is there, when physically it is not. But an inner knowing from deep inside, a fragmented memory from an attachment to the higher you, consciousness and to that of the higher worlds of knowledge suddenly come within grasp of your mental cognitive faculties. Yet, they do not. Unless i continue to work on them. Even when there is senseless hoplessness with the world around me, i must continue on as there is no going back.

Have you ever wondered, what is it all for? Everything that i do in this life? The love, pain, frustrations, hopelessness.
Yes, i know, that is all part of the human condition, but can i even make any little bit of sense of it all?

I look at my own life and i feel like what am i really doing? I have all this stuff, and strive to get more and then i realize, why? I do not like the job i am doing, i am tired of it, bored and frustrated with it and yet i keep doing it.   Why do i keep doing it? It is easier than finding a new job, it pays well, and i do it well. But, at the end of every day, i am so relieved that it is over, all to start again the next, over and over and over again.
What am i doing to try and make my life better? And do i need to? I feel a little guilt that i just want to find something that gives me a feeling of meaningful purpose for what i do with my life and right now my life feels purposeless and meaninless. Even saying that sends a wave of guilt and shame through my body. Why? I have more than a lot of people, and they are struggling every day just to meet the basic needs of survival. Of course i am only talking of first world living here. Paying bills, buying food, x-box subscriptions, gas for cars and trucks, new pants, skip-the-dishes, etc. You get it. Why am i not content with just going to work to make money, paying bills and buying stuff? Because i can feel that there is so much more to existence, to this life. I can be and do so much, yet it feels like i am inside a box and get glimpses of what can be, or should be.

I am not saying that this line of thought is for everyone, and that not everyone is at a place to feel a deep seeded urge within their very own essence of self. But i have felt this feeling, this sense, this knoowing for a very long time, and for a very long time i have kept it buried, stuffed deep inside. Only for the reason that it was not compatible with how i was / am supposed to be living my life, as following the baic routine and principles of how society is.

I am only now just starting to expand beyond the restraints of my human condition, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, archetyple characters and personalities. And what do i find?
A wondorus and amazing new perception of reality, that brings with it, the pain and frustrations of still being tied to the reality that has been me for the past 50 years.

I have decided to start titleling some of my journal enteries, specifically those that have a reoccuring thought pattern in my life. For example, Purpose. I have written, journaled and blogged lots about what purpose is and what it means for me. But, for the most part, i believe that purpose is what gives meaning to this life and to our overall existence. I believe that purpose is the reason why we are here, we have a purpose in this life, to be here. Oh, i could go round and round in circles.

Sylvia Brown says that we have contracts in this life. That we plan out how this life is going to go, Sort of. I like that thought, though, i believe that it goes even deeper than that and that we can never actually plan the specifics of life and how exactly it will go, only because i believe that we are here for the learning experience and that if everything was already planned and put in place, we would not actually be adding new experiences to our consciousness. I do not think that the theory that we create contracts for this life is in fact exact, i believe that these sort of contracts are more of a general, “Hey, i want to experience this in this next life” and then go from there.

I really do not even know if i believe in that, but it gives me a sense of purpose, and that makes me feel worthy.

My purpose? I have many different thoughts, mainly, I do not have only one purpose in this life, there are many. Some of the purposes have other purposes attached to them. This knowing that i have purpose, gives my life the meaning that i need to keep pushing on and forward. Also, when there is a  meaning, the sense of purpose becomes more consciously apparent. Rambling again.

My belief;
I have a purpose for being here, and that fundamental  purpose is to learn and experience adding to my higher consciousness, essentialy expanding consciousness. There are also many purpose off shoots to that main purpose, many that give meaning to the hows, whats and whys of my life. These all solidify within my being that i am on purpose. It is when i have the inner sense of being on purpose, on my proper path for this journey in this life, is when this life starts to make sense, but not really. More of a intuitiveness that all is as it should be.
This in no way is an excuse to stop striving for the betterment of my self, it is in fact more of an inspiring urge that propels me to keep learning and experiencing. I still have the thoughts that i want my life to be different. I want more form this life, that i know and sense that there is more to this life. I am not supposed to just fit in and follow the rat race ruts, I am to continually expand and grow within myself, in this life. And it is frustrating because at many times there is always something in my way that prevents me from doing just that. But then i realize, if everything happens the way i want it to, would i actually learn what i am to learn? or to experience on an authentic level of awareness that which will expand my actual consciousness? Or am i just being human and whining?

The purpose is to know that i am on purpose. There is a feeling deep inside that lets me know when i am, and that same feeling lets me know when i am not.
When i am not on purpose is when i am consumed with human condition emotions that restrict my outlook on life. But again, the purpose is to learn and experience with and through the human condition. Or else why am i human?

What if our live’s are pre-determined? We have all heard the theories, and i am not going to list them all here. In a nutshell, our life has been planned out. Everything that has happenned and will happen is all part of a script.
Do you believe that?

I do and do not in a sense. There is much to uncover and discover within life and existence, and i am a firm believer that we humans, the majority, are mentally lazy and conditioned to just be this. The conditioning comes into the aspect that for many, it is easier to just live and not try to understand what life and existence are. We can not prove any of it so what is the point?

Maybe we sit there and plan each life that we live, maybe we don’t. Maybe there is only one life, maybe multiple and even infinite. There seems to be no way to ever truly know, so  why bother? Might as well just plug away with this dead end existence and make it as painless as possible, if that is even a thing. I believe that that way of thought, unconsciously, is how we all feel. Whats the point to it all? This is why we have so much unrest and disatisfaction within our own live’s. The sense that we really don’t have purpose, or at least meaning for being. How depressing.

At least, this ishow i feel.

I like the theory that we are eternal, that our consciousness is infinite. That this life we choose, but not everything can be planned, because would that not defeat the purpose of coming into this existence with the purpose of learning and experiencing? Hence comes into the equation, Tabula Rasa. John Locke, (1632 – 1704) “At birth, the mind is a “Blank Slate” without rules for processing data, and that data is added and rules for processing are formed soley by one’s sensory experiences.”

This is how we learn and experience to continuall expand our consciousness, each life. With the veil of forgetfulness, we must start all over again in each life. I do like to experiment with my own, but at times there does seem to be almost like child locks on my own perceptions and beliefs, which i find at times very difficult to change. If we do get to determine our life and get to plan it and determine what will happen and how, does that mean that we do not have free will to decide how we live our life, while being in this life? I find that a little far fetched myself. Also, something twists inside me when that thought surfaces, I do not have free will? Everything is already pre-determined?  It doesn’t feel right. I think for any one that has firm convinctions that everything in life is set in stone, and that everything is already planned and there is nothing that they can do, have just given up living with purpose.

i think that we get to choose this life, and many of its situations and circumstances for a chance to learn and experience new, to add more to our ever expanding consciousness. But, also, we have insightfully integrated small packets of memories or thoughts, intuition, into certian aspects of each situation and scenario within our life.
It is when we become aware of these small occurances, that stimulate a new thought process, one that we have artfully conspired to help us experience and learn on a higher level of knowing and understanding. This is the ascension into the higher realms of knowing and understanding. But there is not just one ascension, it is continual and ongoing every moment and every thought of our existence. It is when we do not come into this pre-determined awareness, that we do not ascend.

I missed a few days journaling, and at times i feel guilty that i am in fact letting myself down, then i realize that i am not letting myself down, i am changing up my routine. It is one thing to get a routine going and stick with it, it is quite another thing to let that routine start controling your life, especially my emotions. I can journal anytime of day, or i can skip a day, my life continually changes as little obstacles are thrown into it, everyday that, that can affect my daily habits and routines. I think this is one of those learning experiences that we all hear about over the course of our lives. I have to reconize when one of these obstacles are in my path and the best way to navigate it. And to not feel guilt or resentment that my daily comfortable routine has been altered.

Now, speaking of altered. I have been unconciously working with and developing within my own psyche, my own reconization and awareness of my altered states of consciousness and perceptions of reality. That sounds deep, but only if you think of it as such. It is more of a general shift of my perceived reality, the way i think of reality and my being in it, to my sense of being in a reality that can be shaped by a thought alone.

Taking a step back, I have been unconsciously working with and developing within my own psyche, my own reconization and awareness of my altered states of consciousness and perceptions of reality. This just came to me this morning, while thinking a thought about the campfire i was watching last night. You know how you stare at a campfire and it seems to just hypnotize you? I was being hypnotized and i started looking deeper within the fire, the red-orange coals under the logs that were burning. And i had i thought. Death and destruction. The fire consumes, it destroys what ever it touches. But wait! What about the legend of the Phoenix? Or what if we look at it from a scientific perseption, that of a chemical reaction. Fire is an exothermic reaction, the production of heat. The conversion of fuel and oxygen into carbon dioxide and water, simply put, there is much involved if you were to look deeper into the transformation. And that is when it hit me, the realization that what fire does is a normal occurance that happens for the progressive evolution of existence. And I am part of it. Change is occuring all around me, every moment, there is not even one nano second when there is not something changing, no matter how subtle. So when something pops up in my life that creates a re-direct of my present mode of thoughts and actions, of course i am going to be annoyed, at first, but i then have to properly adjust my conscious thoughts to allow for this deviation of what little plan that i actually had, that makes me feel like i just might have some form of free will over my decisions in life.

This all comes back around to my conscious awareness of my states of existence and reality and my perceptions of those thoughts. Again, there are times that the reality kinda just hits you right in the middle of a thought, the trick is to grab hold of that thought of reality in that instance and really look at it, and assimilate it with your thought process to gradually over time increase and enhance your your own sense if identity, knowing and understanding of your existence and purpose.

I know i have thought this lots and have also blogged about this next point. I really have to, for myself and for those reading, put into writing a kind of manuscript of the sense that i get about my own reality and purpose for my being in existence. I have many, all sort of just jumbled from one topic to the next and floating around on loose peices of paper to some obscure file on my computer. I start sifting through these intuitive thoughts at times with the intent to put them into order, and then i get distracted by another new thought that that seems to be unlocked in my mind adding to those that i already have. I know that it will all make a little more sense in some aspects of why i know that i feel what my existential purpose for being is. Not only for this life that i am presently experiencing, past and also future. But again, like so many other distractions of life, it tends to get filed away into the rainy day folder.

It is the distractions that i feel really cause many of us to unkowingly go through life, creating what we feel are the purpose and reasons for being and that have meaning. I also believe that it is these distractions in life that we have created which restrict our perceptions, limiting us to a small narrow projection of life and existence. I believe that over countless generations of  humans being here the philosophical questions that we have asked from the beginning of time, why am i here? what is my purpose? so many different answers  have been theororized and documented into scripture, that we have become accustomed to hearing the many different variations. This unfortunately has caused many to rely on previous information that has been supplied in our modern teachings of social and cultural etiquettes, educational cirriculums and also religions.

As i develop my own deeper and intuitive understanding of my existence, i make the mistake that i can groupall of us humaans into that same sense of existential being. But i can not, not saying that we are different, and i do believe that we all are in existence for the same fundamental purpose. It’s just that we have to each come into our own awareness of what that is, or it doesn’t mean anything. It has to be consciously brought into our consciousness by our own thoughts and knowing.
This is where my conscious awareness of my states of existence and reality and my perceptions of those thoughts really comes into effect, and starts to expand my consciousness of reality and existence.

So when that obstacle creates a diversion from my safe and easy routine of life and forces me to change, i believe that there is something in that moment that i have to pay attention to. Easier said than done, granted. But it is a learning curve and one that has been taught in many different esoteric lessons for the attainment of the knowledge of the higher worlds.

There are momnets where every thing feels ok, like everything is supposed to be the way it is supposed to be. Even though not much has changed from the day before. I think it is becauae i am becoming more aware of myself and my part in this existence every day. When i am feeling discouraged or frustrated,  hepless and hopeless, it is only because i am not currently being conscious of being apart of existence and connected to all this is apart of it. I know, that sounds pretty deep, what do i mean? To be honest and still really vague, we each have to discover and experience our own, each and every day.

There is so much self help and self improvement techniques, literature, courses and classes available now a days that it is really overwhelming. I often wonder how i can even add to the wisdom and knowledge that is widely available to everyone, and this make me feel small. And yet there is a part of me that knows that i can make a differenece, one person at a time, even if it is not life changeing, a small peice that can help to increase one’s human condition, is a start.

I realize that first and foremost i must not focus outside of my self, my external environment, the circumstance and situations of my life, nor the people or places. I must learn to be more attentive of me. How i am feeling and why. What am i thinking and why. My thoughts and why they are and how they come into being. This sounds like some kind of buddha zen stuff, and it kinda is. But i have learnt how to understand how to do it for myself, and i know that that knowledge and experience is whati have to share with others also.
Even though i have hours and days of low energy thoughts and feelings, i have come to understand that this is only a normal occurance in my own evolutionary path of enhancement. We can not know what pleasure is, unless we have experience pain.
As the ancient hermetic axiom goes, “Everything is dual; everything has poles; everything has its pair of opposites; like and unlike are the same; opposites are identical in nature, but different in the degree; extremes meet; all truths are but half truths; all paradoxes may be reconciled” ~The Kybalion

This knowing on a conscious level of being and understanding is what can help each and everyone of us to enhance our own human condition. Though many may not be ready for or prepared to learn and understand and to experience at this time, and that is ok. I must know that even i, as a beginner in the ancient ways and higher knowledge, i can impart certian knowledge and wisdom for those that are on the very edge of their own understanding.

This is my purpose.

There are many past blogs and journey entries that i have made that toucheed on the subject of being frustrated with this life. To clarify this even more within my own head, It is not just with life that i am frustrated with, but with myself. Self frustration. The frustration that i am not doing what i think or feel i should be doing, frustration with myself for not being able to do what i want to or need to do do with my life.

I make excuses why i do not do things, and this, the next day, make me just shake my head in frustration. There are many different terms and ways to describe why i am the way i am, the most negative way would be laziness. I am frustrated with myself for my own laziness. Another way to put it would be to say that i don’t have any free will, that something else is actually controlling me. This is not true. Sure, I mean, time has a lot to do with it. I don’t have time to do what i really want, so lets use that as an excuse. Here is my own reality.

I am frustrated with my life and myself, because i do not feel that i am living to my full potential. Also, i work on ways to helpother people hopefully expand theirselves and spend alot of time developing routines and systems  for other to enhance theirselve, but in the end, i feel like a fake. I do a lot ofresearch for my own growth and conscious expansion, and i put that into practice to help others, to guide and train others to enhance their selves, yet i do not put into practice for myself, because i am to busy focus on my external environment and forgeting about my own inner essence. I have to find the balance.

One of my main areas that i have realized that i have to really be mindfull and aware of is my own self indulgence of feel good snacking and poor me thinking. The two go hand in hand. As of late, i have realized that i am really frustrated in my self for my low energy thinking and feeling. Life does not  seem to be going my way, let me continually think of all the negative and stress about it all the time. This lowers my energy and makes it nearly impossible for me to stay positive to be able to make the changes that i want to and need to make for myself. If i can not do it, how am i supposed to guide and train other’s to be a better version of themselves also?

My goals in life are to become a better me each and every day, strive for  my own excellence, to explore and experience all that life has to offer and to guide others to do same also. But, if i can not do it for myself, i can not honestly and authentically do it for any one else. I used to have a little more will power, i used to have a routine, more energy, more drive, perserverance to push through the tough times and to stick to my plan and goals. What has changed?

The change came, when i started to think about my goals and my plan how to do them as not fun, as to strict, a hinderance on my life. And yet, now, i feel like i am even more a prisoner and under the control of something that i can not control outside of myself, but within my own head. Thinking back when i had started to do my life enhancement journey, on the  physical, then the mental, and then the spiritual, i felt full of energy and life. I was focused and really loving how i felt and how energized with life i was. What was this change that happenned? My life shifted slightly and i did not stay as focused as i was and did not see the subtle shift that was taking place within me. I started hanging  out more with “the boys” from work. I ended up working away from home and getting out of my normal routine and did not take into account my own need for acceptance with my peers. Even at my age at, i still need to feel that acceptance. So while i still tried staying on a mindfully aware and healthy life style, there was a shift happening within me, that made it harder to be fully conscious of my need for external acceptance and the loss of my will power.

There is a way to for me to get back on track, it will take time and focus. The first step, to be able to be conscious of who i really am and whoi want to be, and to strive for that. That is my excellence.

When i look at my life, especially the aspect of working and living, I get a sense of what i might just call boredom with a tinge of frustration. I feel that there is so much more for me to do and to experience and yet everyday, day in, day out, in a nut shell, i do the same thing. I want to get out and to explore, to see, to feel, to experience, not just this material, physical world, but life and all it wonderous and mysterious ways. I want to feel what it is like to be totally conected to the sensations of the universe. To feel, deep inside the subtle, yet firm humming vibration of the cosmos as the awareness of existence becomes a conscious and constant part of me.

What is it, what part of me forces me, almost every waking moment, to sense that i am to do more? To be more?
This feeling and sense is like a constant torturing punishment, is this the cruelty of humanity?
But no, underneath all this dissatisfaction, annoyances and irritations with life, pushing aside the despair and hopelessness, the sensation of couriosity, amazement and wonderment of everything that is and everything that will and could be. I sense what i can only explain as a small child, in the middle of a crowd of grown adults, carrying on with their busy and hectic days. Full of  stresses and worry, distracted from the very thing that they are here to be, human. This child inside me, can sense and knows that this life can be so much more, if i just let it be.
The abundance of the cosmos is available to all, if we just let ourselves, and yet sadly, i do not have enough time. There is work, family and friends. All the things that I have created within my life to keep me busy and preoccupied.

Why have i created this way of life for myself? if i feel that it is a torturing punishment for being human?
Because deep inside all humans there is this small child, glowing with a light of many different colors and vibrations. There are no fears or anxieties, no pain, stress or doubt, only the pure thoughts and feelings of being alive. With all the sensations finely tuned to recieve any and all information and knowledge of the universe. Though, without proper training in the ancient ways, the receptiveness of my pure and innocent child is bombarded with adult energies of stress and pain, and the need to be accepted.

I did not realize that my reasoning for creating the life that I live was to have distractions from my pain and suffering of losing touch with my child.