Have you ever wondered, what is it all for? Everything that i do in this life? The love, pain, frustrations, hopelessness.
Yes, i know, that is all part of the human condition, but can i even make any little bit of sense of it all?
I look at my own life and i feel like what am i really doing? I have all this stuff, and strive to get more and then i realize, why? I do not like the job i am doing, i am tired of it, bored and frustrated with it and yet i keep doing it. Why do i keep doing it? It is easier than finding a new job, it pays well, and i do it well. But, at the end of every day, i am so relieved that it is over, all to start again the next, over and over and over again.
What am i doing to try and make my life better? And do i need to? I feel a little guilt that i just want to find something that gives me a feeling of meaningful purpose for what i do with my life and right now my life feels purposeless and meaninless. Even saying that sends a wave of guilt and shame through my body. Why? I have more than a lot of people, and they are struggling every day just to meet the basic needs of survival. Of course i am only talking of first world living here. Paying bills, buying food, x-box subscriptions, gas for cars and trucks, new pants, skip-the-dishes, etc. You get it. Why am i not content with just going to work to make money, paying bills and buying stuff? Because i can feel that there is so much more to existence, to this life. I can be and do so much, yet it feels like i am inside a box and get glimpses of what can be, or should be.
I am not saying that this line of thought is for everyone, and that not everyone is at a place to feel a deep seeded urge within their very own essence of self. But i have felt this feeling, this sense, this knoowing for a very long time, and for a very long time i have kept it buried, stuffed deep inside. Only for the reason that it was not compatible with how i was / am supposed to be living my life, as following the baic routine and principles of how society is.
I am only now just starting to expand beyond the restraints of my human condition, thoughts, feelings, behaviours, archetyple characters and personalities. And what do i find?
A wondorus and amazing new perception of reality, that brings with it, the pain and frustrations of still being tied to the reality that has been me for the past 50 years.