There is a desire within me, to be me, to be more than I am. This desire is hard to explain. I want to be like and accepted by others, by those that are part of my life, or is it a need? This desire, the need for acceptance, inspires a deep inner fear of rejection, which also induces thoughts and feelings of resentment. When I follow the path of success, social and cultural acceptance, I feel that I am not the being that I am supposed to be. The paradox being, that I must live within society and culture to be of worth.
Inside, I feel that I have, up to now played my part. I have worked and payed my bills. Been a part of and expanded family and friends. Suffered in silence, as a newly expanded sense of awareness awakens, as those around me also do, within their sleep.
Hitherto, I have not had the oportunity to fully explore, niether to explain to self, why all that feels like an act in a play, a part in a game? That which I know that I am not succeeding in, but which I am forced to continue play, as those also playing see no other purpose, no sense in being, but to play the part they have choosen for themslves.
The resolutions that I have made for myself in life, for my betterment of my condition, at times seem to be in contradiction to all of life that which I am living. I do get a sense of support, though, I understand those that offer and suggest support do not understand. This support being an empty gesture of how they are also struggling to survive their own growing unsureness of sense of being. There is no greater sense of being, than to feel a part of, though I know now, a fictitious desperate attempt of being.
I must admit to self, that it is not my duty, at this time, possibly in this life, to expose the erroneous sense of being that has been adopted. For I, myself, have only just seen a glimpse of what could be, and what may not be in the whole of being. A knowing that I do have, is a sense that I must keep my own, to myself.
The desperate attempt I must keep playing, for appearances and acceptance in life, so that i will also come to know, my place with purpose. This purpose of desire to be more than I am can only be achieved with the awareness of sham, and the continued participation of this game.