I read and read and read, write and write and write with the purpose of starting an action, but never I do. When that awareness comes to my mindfulness, I read and read and read, Write and write and write again. I do this to change myself.
I have read many books and texts that all say that they can help me become a better me. Many of them talk about journaling. So I got me a pen and paper and I Journal, for many, many years now. It has also been mentioned to go back into your notes and see how far you have progressed. I go back into my notes, sometimes just flicking through or going back to the day, 1yr, 2 yrs even up to 5yrs previous and realize that my handwriting has improved greatly, if I am mindful about it. I realize that over time my word understanding has greatly improved and that I am using some really intellectual words and phrases to describe what I am going through at that time. I have also come into the realization that no matter how big and intellectually sounding the words and phrases are, it does not change how I am feeling inside. What I have written many years ago, still remains the same, yet in a more intellectual way. I have the same thoughts and feelings, why am I not changing? Why am I not becoming more?
The bigger the word, the more sophisticated the phrase does not automatically change who I am. The more I read, yes, the more I learn. The more I write, yes, the more words that I have created. In the end, it has not changed who I am. It is a good start, but it is not the action needed for the change of meaning. That comes from inside, from my own perceived thoughts and knowledge, and not only my perceptions, but of my memories and experiences also.
What is needed, for me to change? Change what? I do know now that the word change is incorrect for the way that I describe what I have an urge and desire to do. I do not need to change myself, as many self help books I have read suggest. What is not needed is the need to change, but the desire to know myself. For many, myself included, change meant how I thought, how I saw and felt about the external world around me. It is not.
The desire to know one’s self is, I believe, a human condition that we all deal with on one level or another, to one degree to another. It is easier to change something in our life than to look within, understand and to love who we are. So, it is easier to read about how to change and fix our life, than to actually do. Even though, many written words over the course of our history do in fact offer a way to change and fix ourselves, to learn how to understand and to love our selves, we have to also know what feels best for us, and to actively incorporate that into our daily life, every day.
The bigger the word, the more complex esoteric* phrase *(understood for, or known by a select few) does not actively increase our knowledge of self, it only increases our knowledge, there is a difference. When we understand that difference, we begin to know our-self. That is my opinion, what do you think?
I have discovered for myself over time, that I have a need, a desire to learn and that I have interests in many different areas. And what I learn, I have a desire to also show others and to tell others of my new found information. I know that others feel and do the same thing, how? Because that is also a part of our human nature, to learn and to distribute information. Why I believe I have not been able to change after reading many books, attending workshops and seminars, listening to others tell me what I need to do? Much, if not all the information the I have digested is of an empirical nature, observations and experiences of others, either learned first hand or taught to them also. And, again, it is not a change, it is an understanding and knowing of my true self that I seek. Only then will change occur.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself, just as I am, then I can change”
~ Carl Rogers~